We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
