he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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