Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
