So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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