So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
