i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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