I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
