I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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