Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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