So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
