Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
