I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Panties = found
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
