i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Your cock deserves a montage
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
