Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
