FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The air was thick with penises
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
