Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
