I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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