so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
