Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
