I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
