im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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