sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
