yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
