Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
