Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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