Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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