i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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