I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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