I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
