You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
