when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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