I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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