I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
