Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
