The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
