The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
