Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
