Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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