Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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