the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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