I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
