saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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