My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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