i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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