My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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