the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
