I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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