Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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