he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
