Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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