Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
