Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
