Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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