Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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