I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
