Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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